Your Story Doesn't End. My journey with my son and his battle with substance use disorder. My journey of grief not only during his 13 years of struggles but how I will move forward in my new journey without him .
It’s been some time since I truly reached out to you. My soul is weary and heavy burdened. I didn’t realize until today just how I longed for you.
I didn’t truly understand the relationship I would have with you and how long you have searched for me.
I believe it was when my little brother, my best friend drowned at the very young age of 14. He had so much to live for. I still don’t understand God the why? I was just 19 years old and newly married and my husband now ex- husband was there with him and his two friends when the canoe capsized.
I will never understand what happened but I know that I will someday, when we are all together in eternity.
God, you were always there in the midst of my grief and I didn’t even know it. You held me up and gave me the strength to carry on.
My second greatest loss was that of my only child. Battling addiction for over 13 years until you reached out your hand and carried him home to you.
You were there for me every single day. Your presence was with me. I will never forget how tightly I held on to your loving hand. I was afraid to let go. If I did, I feared the worst.
I feared I would drown in my sorrow. I feared I would not survive this loss. I feared I would not know who I would become without my beloved child.
But, You showed me the way. In Jeremiah 29:11 You reminded me that You had plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.
I thank you for your promises, your love, and mercies every day.
How many more tears must I cry Lord? How much longer must I carry this grief so deep within my soul?
I’m still grieving the loss of my son and still find myself in constant grief for the loss of many others who continue to lose their own battle with addiction.
When we are in this group of families seeking support for their loved ones we build relationships with each other.
We develop this special bond and our children become all our children if you can understand this.
So, when another mom cries out that their child lost their battle I begin to mourn for their loss and mine all over again.
Tears become the release of my pain. A broken heart forever changed.
Old Testament describes tears as the by-product of when the heart’s material weakens and turns into water.
I cry tears of joy as well and I pray that my tears of pain can be replaced by those of joy when I can share special memories of my beloved son.
The Bible says that God is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I know that God continues to work in me and that His love and compassion for my broken heart will be replaced with songs of joy.
Here I am again, my third mother’s day without you.
My heart broken. My mind racing. I don’t want to get up out of bed. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to get lost in all the memories of you.
It’s like I’m a stranger on this day. Many don’t really know what to say, afraid to hurt my feelings.
“Do I wish her a Happy Mother’s day?” Do I send a “Thinking of you today?” Or “you are loved and thought of on this day?”
I feel bad for so many who struggle and rustle with finding just the right words to say on this Mother’s day.
Truth be told, I’m just grateful and honored to be thought of today. Me…your mother because they still remember you as my son! They keep your memory alive by thinking of me.
While I don’t feel ike celebrating, I do muster a nudge to get up and go outside and let nature fill me with hope.
I am grateful I did because I would have missed capturing the beautiful dragonfly that circled around me endlessly.
I’m here mom
I allowed my myself to follow its presence as it weaved in and out and through. I knew then it was you!
I smiled for the first time as I could hear you say, “mom, I’m here, look all around. I’m everywhere just look!”
Then, I am reminded that I do feel love and joy. After all, God chose me; little me to be your mother.
What an honor that God chose me to be your mother.
Proverbs 23:25 says “let your father and mother have joy, and let her who gave birth to you rejoice.”
Then He reminds me again why He chose me in Proverbs 31:29 because He says: ” There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you, surpass them all.”
Right there and then my heart was lifted and blessed that God felt and knew that I would surpass any other woman to be your mother.
My dear boy, sitting here thinking of you as I take a deep breath and acknowledge that it’s 22 months today since you were called to be with the Lord.
The pain is not as heavy as it was 22 months ago but my love has grown deeper and stronger for you each passing day.
I don’t cry as much when I think of you and sometimes it leaves me feeling lost and confused because I feel I should cry even still.
I believe that I don’t cry as much because the pain, hurt, and loss has been replaced with joyous memories of you.
I cling on to the memories; the smiles, the laughter and the stories we shared. The times that brought joy and happiness into my life.
I try to replace my pain with the sweet memories of you every chance I get.
I can look at your pictures, watch your videos and listen to your songs and I can smile now. I know when I smile you smile. You always wanted your mumma to smile.
You would stare at me, with your head slightly tilted to one side, your eyes gazed at me and just smile back and say “I love you, my lady, you know that right?”
You always let me know just how much you loved me and you always reminded me of your love as I would you.
I wake up each day with a grateful heart. I thank God for opening my eyes every morning and I feel so blessed to see the sun beaming through the window as I sit next to you each morning.
Losing you brought me from a place of darkness to a place of light. The Bible says “be not grieved and depressed, for the Lord is your strength and stronghold” Nehemiah 8:10. I know now, that each passing day I am one day closer to seeing you again.
It brings me peace knowing that you are safe. You have no worries, doubts or regrets. You are now full of life.
This year has been a truly difficult time for myself and all of us as this pandemic has changed the ways we gather together.
As many of us may spend Christmas alone or with just our own family in the confines of our home, let’s try to remember that we are still surrounded by God’s love this Christmas.
This Christmas week, my boyfriend and grown kids spent it up north. I was suppose to be there with my grand daughter but that wasn’t the plan God had for me or us.
I stayed behind and somehow I didn’t feel sad but I felt a sense of peace and hope deep in my soul.
My world is filled with work and I over extend myself to keep myself busy with other matters. I need to keep busy so that I don’t feel the pain and loss of my dear son.
Perhaps God wanted me to be exactly where I am…alone wrapped in His love and peace.
I never went to bed last night, instead I found myself on the couch sitting next to my boy wrapped in his blanket of love. An overwhelming feeling of warmth, love and peace within me for the very first time.
All I want for Christmas is you!
My son Mikey always thought I put everyone and everything before myself. He would often say “mom, when do you ever do for you?”
Well, this Christmas I believe he received his wish and I experienced the most love of all. The gift of love from God, my Heavenly Father.
I am not alone. He has never left me. He is with me always.
Romans 15:13 say, “I pray that God the source of Hope will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”
This is my 2nd Christmas with my son in Heaven. While I miss him terribly and I feel the loss of his physical being I am also filled with hope, love and peace knowing he is always with me now.
Christmas in Heaven. what do they do? They come down to earth. to spend it with you. So save them a seat. Just one empty chair. You may not see them. but they will be there.
May this Christmas Day bring you, love, hope, joy and peace.
Merry Christmas in Heaven Mikey and to all our Angel’s.
It’s been two years now and I had my son’s second Heavenly birthday celebration.
He has been gone now for 15 months and I’ve gone through all the “firsts”…now, well…it’s year two.
I’m ashamed to say I can’t remember the last time I had a birthday party for him. I believe maybe 9 or 10 years old was the last.
It was shortly after that when trouble started around age 12 and then my focus and attention was trying to make things right.
Don’t get me wrong we always remembered and had our own little quiet birthday but that never included friends or family.
Then of course the last 13 years he was hardly ever around. The substance use took hold of him and I never again had my boy to celebrate his birth date.
We would always get together “after” he was ok and we’d go shopping and have dinner and enjoy each moment while we had it to enjoy.
It always broke my heart to pieces to be in his presence and yet feel so far removed from him. When I looked in his eyes I would see so much hurt and regret as he would try to keep a smile so his momma wouldn’t worry.
The cycle of addiction took hold of my boy for many years. I grieved for my son everyday much like I still do today.
With an aching heart and my full trust in God to hear that little inner voice that said “you will do what you need to do to celebrate his birth date” and at that very moment I felt compelled to have a birthday celebration for friends and family.
To have his friends and our family come togethrr and celebrate his birthday with me and his daughter warms my heart.
I never had the opportunity to do this while he was alive but I know now my son is with me everyday. I know that my son will never ever miss another birthday or another holiday again.
He may not be physically present but he is spiritually present and I will honor his birthday every year until I have no breath left.
My granddaughter, his daughter who is now 4 years old will always remember and honor her daddy. She didn’t have much time with him but she loves her daddy just the same.
I can’t wait until I see him again. To finally see a smile full of happiness and joy.
Life can be very hard to understand but when we can break it down into seasons we may find some understanding after all.
As I think about the seasons I can somehow relate to each of my seasons of grief.
At first, I didn’t think I could ever get past the pain. I believed I would be broken for the rest of my life. I didn’t think finding joy again was in the cards for me in this life again.
I can remember being scared to be stuck in that season of pain, turmoil, uncertainty and hopeless ness.
This was like winter for me. A chill and a physical darkness as the days and days light are much shorter in the winter.
This lasted close to my first 3 to 4 months and slowly moving towards spring time.
I could see myself coming out of winter (a dark cold season) and slowly stepping into spring.
Spring – a time of renewal, flowers blooming, birds chirping and the leaves slowly growing back on the trees that were once bare. I was beginning to find joy and happy moments in my second season of my grief.
The first season (winter) never really leaves but it lingers and tucks away and every so often it creeps up again and that’s ok. I learned to accept this new pendulum of emotions and feelings.
Spring was a little scary for me as I began to smile and truly look at God’s creations and I learned to trust and appreciate the beauty around me.
As I was experiencing this new feeling, I was also feeling a sense of guilt. I felt guilty that hope had ignited in my soul and that I may forget my son.
I read many scriptures during this time to help me heal.
In Revelations 21:4 says: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the older order of things has passed away.” And in Matthew 5:4 “blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.”
I held unto these verses and knew God was not letting me go through this journey, these seasons of grief alone.
Summer soon came upon me and I am now nine months into my grief season and I could see how hope and faith was beginning to sustain me on a daily basis.
Isaiah 41:10: “so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed or I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” And in Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 ” there is a time of season for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant amd a time to uproot, a time to heal, and a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.”
How beautiful and reassuring is God’s promise and Word for those of us whom have lost.
I read this verse over and over and it helped fill my heart with renewed strength, faith, joy and hope again.
Summer – the warmest of seasons with the warm sun, blue skies, flowers and trees in full bloom is exactly how I was beginning to feel. I was growing and blooming in my spiritual walk with God who continues to feed me with faith and hope.
Winter still continues to creep in but a little less often and it doesn’t visit for too long. And when it does I am equipped with the power and strength of scripture to carry me through it.
Fall is here now- what is the meaning of Fall? What does it represent in my grief?
It was like reliving that horrific day when I learned my son had passed to be with Jesus and our Father in heaven.
The “I can’t believe its going to be a year” thoughts would come to me and I found myself in a state of depression. I couldn’t believe how I got to this place and why?
The joy and beauty of summer was slowly passing and the days became shorter. The trees began to lose their leaves and the flowers dried up and died as they prepare for the next season.
As for me, I felt like the tree losing it’s leaves. The once colorful and strong tree begins to lose its strength and beauty and sheds its leaves.
That was me. I was shedding my pain, my hurts as I wept much during that fall season. God was cleansing me at least it is what I believe. I leaned heavily on scripture and God to see me through. In Matthew 11:28-30 says: “come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
This is what I needed to hold onto the most and soon enough Winter had come again. No! No! Please I don’t want that darkness again I don’t want to relive that day and time again. It is much to painful for me to go through it again.
I remember the month and weeks leading up to that one year of losing my son, how heavy my heart was and how dark my world became.
I was dreading the anniversary of his death. I became depressed again, tired, irritated more forgetful and and overwhelmed. You name it I felt it. I just wanted to sleep his anniversary date that left me here to feel heartache over again.
Truth is…it never really leaves you- you just get better with living with the pain.
We transform who we once were to become someone new as in what Romans 12:2 says: “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”
God was definitely working on me and transforming me.
During my fall and winter session I found myself buried in scripture and prayer for God to give me strength and by the grace of God I made it through with many many tears of missing my son, missing his voice and hearing his laughter.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13.
Grief will always be part of my life and my journey but I know that God will always be there and light my path on my dark days.
I know now that I can do anything and overcome anything through prayer and trusting in our Lord Jesus Christ.
My seasons have now come full circle and I begin to bloom.
I bloom with more love in my heart, peace in my mind and heart, faith, grace, joy, strength and hope deep in my soul.
It’s not just what God my Almighty Father wants for me but also what my son wants for me as well.
I know he wants his mom to find joy and hope again. He never meant to leave me alone and broken.
If there is anything I have learned from losing my son is H.O.P.E. Hold On Pain Ends. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare, and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jer. 29:11.
“Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and gave made the Lord their hope and confidence.” Jer.17:7.
My second Mother’s day without my son. My first was just so new and fresh just a little over a month after he was called home.
It was a wet, cold rainy day and I along with my sister and a few close friends participated in the 5k “A Mothers Hope” walk.
My dear friend Susan, founder of Plymouth County Outreach was to announce my son’s memorial scholarship. The Michael Anthony Richman Memorial Scholarship.
The day was wet, cold and raw and was perfectly fitting for how I felt deep inside after losing my son to the demon of addiction.
It was also a day of gratefulness. I was grateful and honored to have this memorial scholarship named after my beloved son.
How could I be so sad and broken but still feel gratitude and hope? I believe it was God’s love and grace for me that I was able to find gratitude in the midst of my sorrow.
In Revelation 21:4 says:
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Today, a year later as I sit here a little lost and confused while I still wrestle with the thought of “how did I get here?” I realize the questions that I have may never be answered but that I shall wait on the Lord to reveal the answers when I am joined with my son in heaven.
Today, this Mother’s day is not like the past. It is not wet, cold and rainy but sunny with blue skies and scattered white fluffy clouds. The birds are singing, the tree branches wrestling with the wind. His wind chimes that hangs from a plant hanger by his memorial tree plays a sweet melody and I can hear the church bells ringing from a distant.
I pause for a moment and stare up at the sky and smile.
I smile as I imagine my son up above those white fluffy clouds looking down on me showing me that there is always sunshine and many gifts in this world for me to be grateful for.
Psalm 73:26 says:
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
I could not be here if I didn’t put all my trust, faith and hope in God.
As I reflect on this day I am reminded of the many gifts that God has created and surrounded me with that bring love, joy and hope to my aching heart.
I know God is with me. He never leaves me and continues to give me hope.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13
After all, I am a child of God and He gave me the gift of motherhood.
He may be my only child, my only son and I will always be his mother and I am so honored and grateful to call my boy – my son.
As I reflect on this day of where I was and where I am today I am full of hope.
I am grateful for all the seasons God took me through to get here…today.
Today is National Bereavement Day- honoring our children that now reside with our Heavenly Father and a day to remember the mothers who’s hearts will never be the same again.
When I woke up this morning God spoke to me about joy. As I opened my bible to begin my day with God’s Word it was there Psalm 16:11 that says:
“You make known to me the path of life, in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”
Tears streamed down my face. I knew it was a sign and a nudge from God to find and feel joy again.
God is Joy and I know deep within my aching heart it is what my son wants for me as well.
It pained him to see me cry and sad all the time. It pained him because he said it was due to him his mom was sad and broken.
Today, what better way to honor my sons memory but to find peace and joy on this day.
I took a walk to embrace this day with joy in my heart and in my path I found a shiny dime (from heaven) and I saw the beauty of a red cardinal fly past me. All signs from above.
The skies are blue, the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming and the birds are singing. All of this from our Creator. Yes, I can have joy again.
I layed my son’s memory rocks from his friends and family that they wrote on his first birthday in Heaven. They are spread out under his tree and where his memorial wind chime with a sudden slight breeze plays a sweet melody to my ears.
A melody, a memory, a forever love.
Until I see him again, I will always speak his name and carry him in my heart.
I was just 19 years of age when my little brother at drowned at 14 years old.
He was full of life. Loved playing the drums and played in little league baseball. He was a short stop but could play any position.
I was just newly married a little over four months when the accident happened which involved my husband and my little brothers two friends.
It was tragic and my first great loss at just 19 years old. My life and my world felt like it had all collapsed in just a split second of time.
I was always a believer of God. Yes, I love God and I didn’t pray back then but I believed.
When Tony passed away I felt him all around me. His presence was all around. It brought me much comfort knowing he came to me often, mostly in my dreams.
I soon found that I was pregnant and when I learned I was about to be with child I realized God was giving me a gift. He knew I was so hurt and so lost that he gave me a son to fill my heart with love and joy again.
My son was born July 5, 1991, Michael Anthony Richman. He was to have my little brothers middle name “Anthony”.
Micheal as he got older was just like Tony his uncle he never met. He was full of life, played little league but he loved…music. So many similarities between the two.
The only thing I was not prepared for was Michael going on his own path. A path of destruction I knew nothing about. At age 12 he started experimenting with drugs which turned to heroine within 5 years and then about a 6 year battle with heroine and countless relapses, detoxes, halfway houses, sober houses.
It was a 13 year struggle, heartbreaks, anxieties, helplessness and many many sleepless nights.
In June 2015 Michael announced he was going to be a daddy!!! Whoa? What? You can’t have this baby. You can barely take care of yourself never mind care for a child.
He had a plan. A plan to get his life in order. He was going to speak to his probation officer and do “time” so he could focus on being a dad.
And so he did…just that. I had never seen such determination in his face before. He was finally going to be “normal” have a job, a girlfriend, a baby and life was going to be awesome !!!
Avaeh Lillian was born in March 2016. A gift from God a piece of my son. I fell in love the minute I laid eyes on her and to see my son the best I ever seen him in years was a blessing.
I was hopeful that maybe just maybe Michael was right. This is his new life.
The smile on his face, the way he looked at her was pure love. His eyes sparkled with glimmer and joy.
In two weeks time all of that love and hope was gone again…Michael relapsed and both of our world’s came crashing down on both of us.
Now what? I have a son who needed me to keep helping him fight his fight and not give up on him. As a parent we don’t give up on our children. We love them no matter what rights or wrongs they do. At least that’s what I believe and then this this new beautiful bundle of joy. Who brings, a new love and joy and hope into my life.
How can I manage both? I often questioned God. Why? Why, am I going through this? Why is he going through this?
Michael was persistent and a fighter and he did get some good time 3 or 4 months clean time and there was much hope again and again.
Then there was this one time, a new girl a beauty he said. Mom, she has got me twisted he said.
Twisted was right. He relapsed what seemed like every 10 to 15 days. He was out of control and I could not save him.
Michael lost his struggle on April 3rd, 2019 after being clean for 2 months.
How can I explain this loss? Simply, I can’t still find the right words to explain the pain, agony, heartbreak within me and my heart and soul.
The first year seemed like forever but yet so fast. The the pain and emptiness for the “firsts” of everything was so hard to get through but I did. Through the grace of God.
It wasn’t until his first Angelvesary that I realized something so deep and brought some understanding in how God works daily in my life.
As a believer all my life but not actually living in that belief I came to God for help, guidance and understanding. I spend so much time now paying attention to small details and interactions as well as blessings all around me.
Here is what I learned.
At 19 I lost my little brother and God brought me my son as His Gift.
God gave Michael his daughter as His gift that would turn out to be my gift now as she is a piece of Michael.
God doesn’t take anything away without giving us something in return.
I realized that the worst fear I had when Michael said he was having a baby was that God was going to take “my baby”
And that He did. He called my boy home to finally be at peace and be all he could not be here on earth.
Michael will never miss a birthday, a holiday or ever miss seeing Avaeh grow up to be the most beautiful gift from above.
I Am Life 